Dr H. Seeker is here to solve your heart filled conundrums in life, to help protect and sustain a long, happy relationship. But if that is not possible, at least he will help you achieve your weekly dose of cynicism and moral ambiguity. Also, from today onwards he will now be accepting requests from the online community to resolve YOUR problems. To find out more or to submit a love problem, message heatseeker, liza or bane in-game today!

Dear Dr Seeker
I have recently just recently had a divorce. The bitch took my house, car and my pet llama (Betsy ). I have just moved back in with my parents at the age of 47, I have not had a promotion in work for about 8 years and my fleshlight has more spunk than the keyboard of a teenager encountering free online porn for the first time. What should I do?
Dear anonymous failure to society
Kill yourself. That should do the trick.

Dear Dr Seeker
My love life with my wife has become so stale that it is almost becoming unbearable. She constantly demands that during sexual encounters I wear a mask of our neighbour’s gardener, Manuel. Whilst she has counteracted this strange behaviour by inserting dirty talk into our everyday lives (I have lost count of the times I’ve gotten hard from the words “I fucking hate you” at breakfast) is ensuring that I remain faithful to my other half I am just not sure I can keep up this façade much longer.
Some advice would be greatly appreciated.
Dear second anonymous guy of the day (it’s always the weird ones that reply during the first edition).Have you considered just doing what she asks? By the manner of which you type, you clearly are just lucky to have a woman in your life at all. Just do what she says, and count your blessings. Hell if things really do go south and she seeks to end it with you, just accept the outcome as inevitable and profess your love for online Mafioso games whilst shunning conventional real human contact (cause hipster logic).

Dear Dr Fuckwit
I know that it was you sneaking out of my bedroom window last Tuesday. As soon as I find my lucky pair of socks, I am going to come around your house and fucking kill you.
P.S Julie says hi.
A fucking annoyed neighbour
Oh hey John
I think that you have confused this situation a bit, so let me clear it up. I was there… delivering, pizza. However your wife (Hi Julie!) was complaining about the filter system in your pool, and as such asked me if I could sort it out for which I agreed to do because I am a good friend. This took in total 42 minutes (including cigarette break).

I am sorry for the inconvenience caused, and I hope that we have clarified this most unfortunate of barriers to our friendship.
Nah just fooling with ya. I fucked your wife. Also I have your lucky socks. Suck on that.
Nah just fooling with ya. I fucked your wife. Also I have your lucky socks. Suck on that.

That’s all folks. Cya next week!

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