Yes retards, dickheads and fucksticks! Its that time again for your TMB Star Signs to be revealed, lets hope you actually take the advice this time and not end up begging for more blow jobs than usual. It is a tough world in the Mafiaboss so face it cunts, you need all the advice you can get! Its not just about playing whist sitting on a gym ball but you need to actually utilize those brains you claim to have to make it in this notorious setting. My crystal TMB ball is just beaming right now, I can even tell you who will end up on a tray in the morgue, but I don’t trust half as many of you and why should I give up the information to you pigs anyways… follow your signs advice and you may be left untouched.


Capricorn
Dec 23 - Jan 20

You're burning up with good energy, but you might find yourself rubbing people the wrong way if you don't slow down and pay attention to what they're saying. You wish things were simpler, but the best you can do on Monday may be to lead by example. If you're up front about what you want from a romantic situation -- and you communicate clearly about it -- you'll get things moving over the next couple days. So stop being a simple cunt and grow up, you are selfish and need to pull the finger out of your own arse, yes you are competitive but you need to be aware of your actions or you may wind up with a bullet in ya fucking head. The stars add some action of their own, too, with social activity favored and willingness to go out on a romantic limb likely to be rewarded! Then if something a bit off occurs on Friday, benefit from the lesson instead of dwelling on the negative. Starting Saturday, the stars will be meeting you at least halfway in the love department. Reach out!


Aquarius
Jan 21 - Feb 19

Once again you are up shit creek because you don’t think outside the box, simple cunts come and go but you take the cake. You're a fun and funky aristocrat, sharing your vibe with the cutest commoners, luckily cause most of the time you’re a real dickhead. Let them bask in your glory, and if you're feeling generous you might favor one with a smile. You've got 'hot' written all over you as the week begins, and your way with words sure doesn't hurt when it comes to romance. But look out around Wednesday, when you're liable to overreact instead of seeing a certain situation as it is. Ask that emotionally intelligent friend or your love mentor for help with a romantic reality check. Then a dramatic shift may occur on Thursday, Friday or Saturday, whether in a relationship or the contents of your own heart. Embrace the change! Sunday offers a chance to understand it even better.


Pisces
Feb 20 - Mar 20

Wow, one of the most selfish and self absorbed star signs, especially you blokes, how any slut puts up with you astounds everyone- you should think yourself lucky if you actually do have a partner. You'll be overwhelmed by attention, even though some (or all) of it is flattering. If you duck it, you can pretend later on you were playing hard-to-get. It's all about space on Monday, and a little extra buffer zone helps a lot. Give yourself -- and your love life -- room to breathe! Then, pulse rates look likely to pick up around Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, with people wanting to get closer. Whether you're coupled up or on the market, your interest in your own life and in what they're up to makes your corner of the world worth zooming in on. But Friday or the weekend may involve a detour in romance. So it goes! And who knows? Perhaps the universe has something else in store for you.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 20

That hottie's got a secret. You might not even want to know, but it'll come out eventually, so go ahead and ask. Be careful assuming too much the slut you like really is a slut, if you are a female the guy has more dicks in females then you can count so stay away. It's probably easiest just to get it over with. You've got unbelievable powers of romantic initiative on Monday -- excellent ideas, persuasive ways and contagious enthusiasm. Plan great things and get the invites out, because on Tuesday and Wednesday, other areas of life could really use some attention. It's all about achieving that all-important balance. Put your mind to it, and you'll be ready to get back to matters of the heart on Thursday, Friday and Saturday, when the stars salute you and everything you do! It's a hot, hot time for you -- dress accordingly. On Sunday, plan to do something healthy -- that can be hot, too!


Taurus
Apr 21 - May 21

You know you're worth more than you're getting from your best pal or your sweetie or some other relationship, but now you need to hold your cards and put off asking for more. You are adorable but a stubborn cunt and this will bring you undone, males- yes she does love you but if you don’t show your affection and get out of your own cloud she will ditch you for a prick that does. Take romance one step at a time as the week gets going. You won't wanna miss a thing, so be sure to truly take the time to look, listen, feel and even smell -- the roses, or a certain someone! Bonus: The nuances you pick up on make your path that much clearer. But beware around Thursday and Friday, when interactions are fraught with complexities that tend to obscure matters rather than clarify them. If you don't have hot plans for the weekend, you'll definitely want to cook some up. You're extra sexy now, and cooking's more fun with more than one!

Gemini
May 22 - Jun 21

You're holding on to a string of good luck, but don't pull too hard or you'll wear it out fast. Stop being a complete fuckwitt for a change and listen to the trusted ones around you- they may actually teach you something, do not come into a situation with your cup full. Just enjoy the moment and you'll have something nice waiting for you when it's over. Technology's your Cupid on Monday. Share that in-joke or send that flirty note! But starting sometime on Tuesday, something in the love department is suddenly mixed up. Before you point fingers, figure out your own intentions and motivations; they may not be what you think. Thursday, Friday and Saturday should find you back in touch with your heart and all fired up mentally. It'll be awesome energy for crackling connections, whether you're meeting new people or seeing things get electric with a certain someone. And if the sparks die down on Sunday, don't worry -- just keep a nice glow going.


Cancer
Jun 22 - Jul 22

The most sexiest yet self delusional star sign of them all- yes this explains Miss Mack and Ravenkc both born on the same day. Listen to advice for once in your lives and stop being sooky cunts. You're like a fortune cookie -- sweet and prophetic. You'll have answers for questions nobody's asked yet. Remember to be discreet, though. Not everyone wants to know everything! Shell -- what shell? Now's the time to leave your qualms and self-protective instincts behind when it comes to love! Whether it's the first or the 131st move, make it on Monday -- whether you're single and emailing funny and fresh notes to a few online hotties, or coupled-up and taking it to the next level. You and they will be glad you did -- your energy and attraction factor are simply amazing on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Live and love in the present. There's plenty of time to give a little consideration to (and do a little communicating about) the future on Friday and over the weekend.

Leo
Jul 23 - Aug 21

Strong but stupid this is why you have been in the minds of so many killers who want to take you out, stop thinking with your dicks and pussies and use your brain. You'll be totally struck by inspiration the next time you're scoping out the cuteness around you, so go with it and see where it leads. A love plan you're making on Monday goes better with a little help from a friend. Run it by 'em and they'll help you add that element of irresistibility! And don't stress about outcomes -- just let your heart be your guide, and whatever you do will work out fine around Tuesday and Wednesday. Then those awesome qualities of yours -- your openness, friendliness, interest in others and love of life -- are given extra sparkle by the stars over the next couple of days. Perfect timing! Make the most of it, because come Sunday, there will be some reevaluating to do in the heart department.


Virgo
Aug 22 - Sep 23

Multiple (as in more than three) concurrent demands on your attention mean you're having trouble dealing. Try just to put them off and focus on your own business for today. Most of you are totally simple anyways, even when given advice you never take it and think you know better, that is why most of you end up with a bullet your fucking heads- but hey you will learn oneday right? You'll need to handle matters of the heart very carefully on Monday. But romantic help's on the way -- maybe in an unexpected form -- on Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday. And people are all about being in your company right now. Maybe it's because you're doing, reading and thinking interesting things, and you're ready, willing and eager to share! Everything won't go perfectly on Friday, but perfect is the enemy of good (and sometimes funny). Later, on Saturday and Sunday, you'll be flaming hot -- doesn't it feel great?


Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23

Watch out, because you change your mind so much you are going to piss someone off that you do not want to mess with- this leaves you and your mafia crew in a state of wreaklessness- so eat cement and harden the fuck up. Take a big step closer to someone you like -- or make a play for someone you think is out of your league. (As if!) You deserve something really big right now. Is it luck, or is it your openness to possibility and your willingness to take chances, making Monday so sweet? Who cares, as long as it's working for you? Around Wednesday, though, you'll wanna put your romantic game plan aside and just concentrate on living your life. Fulfillment's found in lots of places, and while you're busy doing other things, it tends to land in your lap. And just you wait: Starting Thursday (and lasting through the weekend), you'll have real star power when it comes to socializing and one-on-one. Let yourself sparkle and share your glow!

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 22

So sweet and sexy but so sadistic, you’re a cunt and you know it- why do you always have to go to the extreme? And for all you sluts fucking so many men, those stomach pains you experience are actually caused from an STD so get to the doctors fast and pray to god you also haven’t contracted herpes. It's time to review who's really your friend and who's just taking up your time. It's nice to be tolerant, but you can't be friends with everybody -- who has that kind of time? Beware of mistaking something that's tempting for something you really need on Monday. Love's complicated, but it's not that difficult to figure out -- especially considering the added insight you'll gain on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. You're learning all sorts of things now, and if you're honest with yourself -- and anyone else involved -- tremendous progress for both mind and heart is in the stars for you. Around Friday, you may be a rock star at work, but when it comes to love, wait for the weekend -- and have some fun, hot new plans ready when it comes.


Sagittarius
Nov 23 - Dec 22

Oh- YOU- yes you, one of the most powerful signs and kind hearted but you are actually blind to the people who just use you- and those who would actually take a bullet for you. Males watch out for those so called TMB Queens, some of them are just out to use and manipulate you. Your people are more in sync than ever before -- and it's all thanks to you. Don't worry about how to keep the energy going, though. It's in flux, just like every other living thing. Does your bark match your bite as the week gets going? Are you ready to be fierce -- flirting hard and also going for the follow-up? Or would you rather just wait around? If you're not willing to make a move now, get ready to wait because the stars may get in your way around Wednesday. If you're taking steps along your love path, though, the questions you ask midweek will take you to amazing places. And some awesome energy's on the way starting Thursday. Get your heart pumping with some physical activity, make plans for the weekend and get fired up about something new. Sometimes taking a chance is all you have to do!


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